How George, once upon a time, got up early in the morning. - George, Harris, and Montmorency do not like the look of the cold water. - Heroism and determination on the part of J. - George and his shirt: story with a moral. - Harris as cook. - Historical retrospect, specially inserted for the use of schools.

I woke at six the next morning; and found George awake too. We both turned round, and tried to go to sleep again, but we could not. Had there been any particular reason why we should not have gone to sleep again, but have got up and dressed then and there, we should have dropped off while we were looking at our watches, and have slept till ten. As there was no earthly necessity for our getting up under another two hours at the very least, and our getting up at that time was an utter absurdity, it was only in keeping with the natural cussedness of things in general that we should both feel that lying down for five minutes more would be death to us.
George said that the same kind of thing, only worse, had happened to him some eighteen months ago, when he was lodging by himself in the house of a certain Mrs. Gippings. He said his watch went wrong one evening, and stopped at a quarter-past eight. He did not know this at the time because, for some reason or other, he forgot to wind it up when he went to bed (an unusual occurrence with him), and hung it up over his pillow without ever looking at the thing.
It was in the winter when this happened, very near the shortest day, and a week of fog into the bargain, so the fact that it was still very dark when George woke in the morning was no guide to him as to the time. He reached up, and hauled down his watch. It was a quarter-past eight.
\"Angels and ministers of grace defend us!" exclaimed George; "and here have I got to be in the City by nine. Why didn\'t somebody call me? Oh, this is a shame!" And he flung the watch down, and sprang out of bed, and had a cold bath, and washed himself, and dressed himself, and shaved himself in cold water because there was not time to wait for the hot, and then rushed and had another look at the watch.
Whether the shaking it had received in being thrown down on the bed had started it, or how it was, George could not say, but certain it was that from a quarter-past eight it had begun to go, and now pointed to twenty minutes to nine.
George snatched it up, and rushed downstairs. In the sitting-room, all was dark and silent: there was no fire, no breakfast. George said it was a wicked shame of Mrs. G., and he made up his mind to tell her what he thought of her when he came home in the evening. Then he dashed on his great-coat and hat, and, seizing his umbrella, made for the front door. The door was not even unbolted. George anathematized Mrs. G. for a lazy old woman, and thought it was very strange that people could not get up at a decent, respectable time, unlocked and unbolted the door, and ran out.
He ran hard for a quarter of a mile, and at the end of that distance it began to be borne in upon him as a strange and curious thing that there were so few people about, and that there were no shops open. It was certainly a very dark and foggy morning, but still it seemed an unusual course to stop all business on that account. HE had to go to business: why should other people stop in bed merely because it was dark and foggy!
At length he reached Holborn. Not a shutter was down! not a bus was about! There were three men in sight, one of whom was a policeman; a market-cart full of cabbages, and a dilapidated looking cab. George pulled out his watch and looked at it: it was five minutes to nine! He stood still and counted his pulse. He stooped down and felt his legs. Then, with his watch still in his hand, he went up to the policeman, and asked him if he knew what the time was.
\"What\'s the time?" said the man, eyeing George up and down with evident suspicion; "why, if you listen you will hear it strike."
George listened, and a neighbouring clock immediately obliged.
\"But it\'s only gone three!" said George in an injured tone, when it had finished.
\"Well, and how many did you want it to go?" replied the constable.
\"Why, nine," said George, showing his watch.
\"Do you know where you live?" said the guardian of public order, severely.
George thought, and gave the address.
\"Oh! that\'s where it is, is it?" replied the man; "well, you take my advice and go there quietly, and take that watch of yours with you; and don\'t let\'s have any more of it."
And George went home again, musing as he walked along, and let himself in.
At first, when he got in, he determined to undress and go to bed again; but when he thought of the redressing and re-washing, and the having of another bath, he determined he would not, but would sit up and go to sleep in the easy-chair.
But he could not get to sleep: he never felt more wakeful in his life; so he lit the lamp and got out the chess-board, and played himself a game of chess. But even that did not enliven him: it seemed slow somehow; so he gave chess up and tried to read. He did not seem able to take any sort of interest in reading either, so he put on his coat again and went out for a walk.
It was horribly lonesome and dismal, and all the policemen he met regarded him with undisguised suspicion, and turned their lanterns on him and followed him about, and this had such an effect upon him at last that he began to feel as if he really had done something, and he got to slinking down the by-streets and hiding in dark doorways when he heard the regulation flip-flop approaching.
Of course, this conduct made the force only more distrustful of him than ever, and they would come and rout him out and ask him what he was doing there; and when he answered, "Nothing," he had merely come out for a stroll (it was then four o\'clock in the morning), they looked as though they did not believe him, and two plain-clothes constables came home with him to see if he really did live where he had said he did. They saw him go in with his key, and then they took up a position opposite and watched the house.
He thought he would light the fire when he got inside, and make himself some breakfast, just to pass away the time; but he did not seem able to handle anything from a scuttleful of coals to a teaspoon without dropping it or falling over it, and making such a noise that he was in mortal fear that it would wake Mrs. G. up, and that she would think it was burglars and open the window and call "Police!" and then these two detectives would rush in and handcuff him, and march him off to the police-court.
He was in a morbidly nervous state by this time, and he pictured the trial, and his trying to explain the circumstances to the jury, and nobody believing him, and his being sentenced to twenty years' penal servitude, and his mother dying of a broken heart. So he gave up trying to get breakfast, and wrapped himself up in his overcoat and sat in the easy-chair till Mrs. G came down at half-past seven.
He said he had never got up too early since that morning: it had been such a warning to him.
We had been sitting huddled up in our rugs while George had been telling me this true story, and on his finishing it I set to work to wake up Harris with a scull. The third prod did it: and he turned over on the other side, and said he would be down in a minute, and that he would have his lace-up boots. We soon let him know where he was, however, by the aid of the hitcher, and he sat up suddenly, sending Montmorency, who had been sleeping the sleep of the just right on the middle of his chest, sprawling across the boat.
Then we pulled up the canvas, and all four of us poked our heads out over the off-side, and looked down at the water and shivered. The idea, overnight, had been that we should get up early in the morning, fling off our rugs and shawls, and, throwing back the canvas, spring into the river with a joyous shout, and revel in a long delicious swim. Somehow, now the morning had come, the notion seemed less tempting. The water looked damp and chilly: the wind felt cold.
\"Well, who\'s going to be first in?" said Harris at last.
There was no rush for precedence. George settled the matter so far as he was concerned by retiring into the boat and pulling on his socks. Montmorency gave vent to an involuntary howl, as if merely thinking of the thing had given him the horrors; and Harris said it would be so difficult to get into the boat again, and went back and sorted out his trousers.
I did not altogether like to give in, though I did not relish the plunge. There might be snags about, or weeds, I thought. I meant to compromise matters by going down to the edge and just throwing the water over myself; so I took a towel and crept out on the bank and wormed my way along on to the branch of a tree that dipped down into the water.
It was bitterly cold. The wind cut like a knife. I thought I would not throw the water over myself after all. I would go back into the boat and dress; and I turned to do so; and, as I turned, the silly branch gave way, and I and the towel went in together with a tremendous splash, and I was out mid-stream with a gallon of Thames water inside me before I knew what had happened.
\"By Jove! old J.\'s gone in," I heard Harris say, as I came blowing to the surface. "I didn\'t think he\'d have the pluck to do it. Did you?"
\"Is it all right?" sung out George.
\"Lovely," I spluttered back. "You are duffers not to come in. I wouldn\'t have missed this for worlds. Why won\'t you try it? It only wants a little determination."
But I could not persuade them.
Rather an amusing thing happened while dressing that morning. I was very cold when I got back into the boat, and, in my hurry to get my shirt on, I accidentally jerked it into the water. It made me awfully wild, especially as George burst out laughing. I could not see anything to laugh at, and I told George so, and he only laughed the more. I never saw a man laugh so much. I quite lost my temper with him at last, and I pointed out to him what a drivelling maniac of an imbecile idiot he was; but he only roared the louder. And then, just as I was landing the shirt, I noticed that it was not my shirt at all, but George\'s, which I had mistaken for mine; whereupon the humour of the thing struck me for the first time, and I began to laugh. And the more I looked from George\'s wet shirt to George, roaring with laughter, the more I was amused, and I laughed so much that I had to let the shirt fall back into the water again.
\"Ar\'n\'t you - you - going to get it out?" said George, between his shrieks.
I could not answer him at all for a while, I was laughing so, but, at last, between my peals I managed to jerk out:
\"It isn\'t my shirt - it\'s yours!"
I never saw a man\'s face change from lively to severe so suddenly in all my life before.
\"What!" he yelled, springing up. "You silly cuckoo! Why can\'t you be more careful what you\'re doing? Why the deuce don\'t you go and dress on the bank? You\'re not fit to be in a boat, you\'re not. Gimme the hitcher."
I tried to make him see the fun of the thing, but he could not. George is very dense at seeing a joke sometimes.

anathematize: (anathematizing, anathematized) curse sb, przekląć
cab: taxi
cart: trolley, wózek
constable: a British police officer of the lowest rank, posterunkowy
cussedness: deliberately unhelpful behaviour
dash on: (dashing, dashed) to put sth on very quickly and violently
dilapidated: rundown
dismal: miserable
distrustful: suspicious
duffer: (old-fashioned) a stupid person
enliven: (enlivening, enlivened) cheer up
fling off: (flinging, flung) quickly remove a piece of clothing
fling: (flinging, flung) throw
give vent to: find expression for
give way: to break because of too much weight or pressure
guardian: guard
handcuff: (handcuffing, handcuffed) zakuwać w kajdanki
haul: (hauling, hauled) pull, drag
have the pluck to do sth: (old-fashioned) to have courage and determination to do sth
howl: skowyt
huddle: (huddling, huddled) crowd together
joyous: happy
lantern: lamp
morbid: gloomy
muse: (musing, mused) think
obliged: gratified
plunge: dive
poke: (poking, poked) move or push sth through a space or hole, wystawiać
prod: push
relish: (relishing, relished) enjoy
revel: (revelling, revelled) have fun
rug: blanket, koc
scuttle: wiadro na węgiel
seize: (seizing, seized) grab, take hold of
shutter: wooden or metal cover on the outside of the window used to prevent thieves coming in
slink: (slinking, slinked) sneak, tiptoe
snag: problem
splutter: (spluttering, spluttered) prychać
sprawl: (sprawling, sprawled) stretch
trial: court case
unbolted: unlocked
undisguised: unconcealed, open

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