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Poniższe przezabawne bon-moty są autorstwa Stevena Wrighta:



I stayed up all night playing poker with tarot cards. I got a full house and four people died.



Last week, I went to a furniture store to look for a decaffeinated coffee table. They couldn't help me.



When I get real bored, I like to drive downtown and get a great parking spot, then sit in my car and count how many people ask if I'm leaving.



When I was a kid, we had a quicksand box in the backyard. I was an only child . . . eventually



I bought some batteries, but they weren't included. So I had to buy them again.



I replaced the headlights on my car with strobe lights. Now it looks like I'm the only one moving.



I wrote a song, but I can't read music. Every time I hear a new song on the radio, I think "Hey, maybe I wrote that�.



I got my driver's license photo taken out of focus on purpose. Now when I get pulled over the cop looks at it (moving it nearer and farther, trying to see it clearly) . . . and says, "Here, you can go."



I turned my air conditioner the other way around, and it got cold out. The weatherman said, "I don't understand it. It was supposed to be 80 degrees out today." I said " Oops .. . .



My neighbour has a circular driveway. He can't get out.



I bought some powdered water, but I didn't know what to add.



I bought a house on a one-way dead-end road. I don't know how I got there.



A friend of mine is into Voodoo Acupuncture. You don't have to go to her office. You'll just be walking down the street and . . . .. . . . . . . . . . . . . oohh, that's much better.



I have a hobby. I have the world's largest collection of sea shells. I keep it scattered on beaches all over the world. Maybe you've seen some of it.



Last week I forgot how to ride a bicycle.



I stayed in a really old hotel last night. They sent me a wake up letter.



My girlfriend's weird. One day she asked me, "If you could know how and when you were going to die, would you want to know?" I said, "No." She said, "Okay, forget it."



I went for a walk last night and she asked me how long I was going to be gone. I said, "The whole time."



My buddy got busted for counterfeiting. He was making pennies. They caught him because he was putting the heads and tails on the wrong sides.



Hermits have no peer pressure.



Whenever I think of the past, it brings back so many memories.



There's a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot.



How much deeper would the ocean be if sponges didn't live there?



I just got skylights put in my place. The people who live above me are furious.



Imagine if birds were tickled by feathers . . .



I remember when the candle shop burned down. Everyone stood around singing "Happy Birthday".



I got stopped by a cop the other day. He said, "Why'd you run that stop sign?" I said, "Because I don't believe everything I read."



It doesn't matter what temperature a room is, it's always room temperature.



Yesterday, my eyeglass prescription ran out.



I was hitchhiking the other day, and a hearse stopped. I said, "No thanks - I'm not going that far."



I played a blank tape on full volume. The mime who lived next door complained.



I'm a peripheral visionary.



I make my own water - two glasses of H, one glass of O



Ballerinas are always on their toes. Why don't they just get taller ballerinas?



The other day, I went to a tourist information booth and asked, "Tell me about some of the people who were here last year."



What a nice night for an evening.



Why in a country of free speech, are there phone bills?



Right now I'm having amnesia and deja vu at the same time. I think I've forgotten this before.



Lots of comedians have people they try to mimic. I mimic my shadow.



I got a new shadow. I had to get rid of the other one... It wasn't doing what I was doing.



I was once walking through the forest alone. A tree fell right in front of me -- and I didn't

hear it.



He asked me if I knew what time it was. I said, 'Yes, but not right now.'



I put tape on the mirrors in my house so I don't accidentally walk through into another dimension.



I've been doing a lot of abstract painting lately, extremely abstract. No brush, no paint, no canvas, I just think about it.



My watch is three hours fast, and I can't fix it. So I'm going to move to New York.



I like to reminisce with people I don't know.



If you can't hear me, it's because I'm in parentheses.



Four years ago... no, it was yesterday. Today I... No, that wasn't me. Sometimes I... No, I don't.



Is it weird in here, or is it just me?



A friend of mine once sent me a post card with a picture of the entire planet Earth taken from space. On the back it said, 'Wish you were here.'



Every so often, I like to stick my head out the window, look up, and smile for a satellite picture.



I'm moving to Mars next week, so if you have any boxes...



Sorry, my mind was wandering. One time my mind went all the way to Venus on mail order and I couldn't pay for it.



I have a map of the United States... actual size. It says, 'Scale: 1 mile = 1 mile.' I spent last summer folding it. I also have a full-size map of the world. I hardly ever unroll it. People ask me where I live, and I say, 'E6'.



It's a small world, but I wouldn't want to have to paint it.



Cross country skiing is great if you live in a small country.



You can't have everything. Where would you put it?



It's a good thing we have gravity, or else when birds died they'd just stay right up there.

Hunters would be all confused.



When I die, I'm leaving my body to science fiction.

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